My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
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