I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What a dumb baby whore.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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