I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
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he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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