I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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