my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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