I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
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Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
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What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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