I accidentally had phone sex last night
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
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Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
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I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
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