Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
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He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
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He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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