just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
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We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
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You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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