so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
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And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
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WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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