I wish I could teleport
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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