Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I am mentally ready for anal.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize