i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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