I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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