i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
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thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
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Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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