someone threw a dead crab at me
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
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At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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