so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
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Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
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she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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