My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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