i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
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Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
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So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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