sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
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He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
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I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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