Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
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As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
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I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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