i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
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i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
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I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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