All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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