I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
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Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
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You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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