I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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