So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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