On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize