That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
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Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
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We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
They have beer where we have blood.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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