I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
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There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
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watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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