i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
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She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
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I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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