My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
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I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
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we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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