For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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