i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
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1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
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I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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