yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize