I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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