if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize