I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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