Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
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the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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