Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
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I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
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Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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