i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
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don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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