youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
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The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
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He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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