oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
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I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
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Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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