I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
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Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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