Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
4 words: hood of his car
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
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you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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