Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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