tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
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Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
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I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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