I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
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just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
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