I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
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Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
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I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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