I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
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I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
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I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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