and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
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We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
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I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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